american football

how to say goodbye
to these four years
a long goodbye
mixed emotions
not dead yet
but the regrets
are killing me

bizarre work dream

i am in central park with my partners at bond. for a project, we have to reenact a scene from entourage. i have to play ari gold, and emily (former colleague) has to play one of the other dudes. i am upset with my costuming and keep forgetting the dialog but i am still being forced to act the scene out over and over in one take. eventually, we take a break, and i recline on a hill with three young russian girls. i put my detachable penis back on (which i had to remove for the shoot) and the girls marvel at its size.

crazy apocalypse dream

i am traveling on business, staying in a hotel downtown in a new city. hailey duff is staying there too, and we've been making eyes with each other in the lobby for the last few days. she finally speaks up, and asks to join my table where i am eating and drinking. i run into a friend and invite him over, and then see a new girl i'd rather hang with and try to get away.

somehow, santarpios is near the hotel, even though i am nowhere near east boston, so i go around the corner to get a pizza. everyone there knows my name and usual order, a pie with hot cherry peppers and garlic. i confuse them by changing my order because i am worried about my breath smelling bad with one of the chicks back at the hotel.

i head back to the hotel and the dream shifts. there has been an earthquake up and down the eastern seaboard, and the financial crisis has plunged the country into a depression. there is violence and chaos in the streets, and i am filled with an overwhelming panic to get home to my family.

i see a news report of a highway torn in two and firefighters are trying to rescue an enormous tiger that has fallen into a crevasse. the tiger has had his teeth and jaw ripped away by lions, who the firefighters are fighting back while trying to free the tiger.



i set off from the city i am staying in and find myself on a road through the woods alongside an abandoned strip of highway. there is a bus overturned on the side of the road. people are looting it. i join in and try to maintain order, but still realize i need supplies. i find some shoes and join a group of people who are traveling away from the city.

i end up meeting up with my family, and find out everyone is ok. we are on a bus, but soon part ways somehow?

i travel for a long time and find myself in a flooded rural town with a new group of travelers. we are floating on homemade rafts and in shopping baskets. there is a baby with us now and an older man who inspires us not to give up. i am attacked by a young couple who try to steal my shoes, but i fight them off and return to the group.

we make our way out of the flooded basin and find a road along the town. we see a number of houses, some boarded up, some abandoned, all foreboding. we walk a long time and find ourselves on the outskirts of another city, in a bad part of town, where most of the residents have remained in squalor. i am afraid of being attacked. we travel from a hispanic neighborhood into a nicer black neighborhood. people are listening to news reports. the radio says something about how we have all paid for this current crisis with "our guns." i am filled with dread.

yet another scarily accurate chinglish horoscope

Put some humor in your life as a couple, don't take yourself too seriously. Risks of heavy headaches. You'll have an opportunity to speak in public, but you'll be seized by fright; take a plunge anyway! You'll react with enthusiasm or violence to all situations, and your relationships with your nearest and dearest will be rather of passion. You could discover an ideal lodging, but on condition to make active research.

heavy metal parking lot

from debbie:

my bro and his friends with their tix to van halen back in the 80's. my bro is farthest to the right

leslie shershow rules

so almost a year ago now, i met leslie shershow while i was back home in boston... at first, i thought she was some kind of battle-dancer-slash-performance artist, but then i learned that she is an amazingly talented metalsmith, artist, jewlery designer, teacher, what-have-you.

we became friends.

i decided to cover her on cool hunting.

evidently the post got her some exposure and she's now going to be in elle and la times magazine...

the good news was thanks enough, but today i got this in the mail...

so congrats and thanks to leslie... and go buy her stuff, which is awesome.

everytime you justify another good in you dies

edgar cayce: ". . justifying of self is blaming someone else."

monster

All in my mind but there's no shaking
Scary, sad things out of my mind
Always on time, but there's no time to
Bring the scary, sad girl back to life
None in her heart, some of the things She did seemed almost nice
I can't stop the blush when things aren't right
But I'm to scary, sad to cry
Feel it so strong but she's done it so wrong
All those scary, sad things; scary sad things
Every time she slit her wrists I wish she hit instead of missed
Every secret family crime, all my love a waste of time
Every doctor, every shrink, every bloody bathroom sink
All the filth we tried to hide, just a face I needed to be beside
All those scary, sad things are what any love brings
Scary, sad girl leave my happy lone world
Every girl that I ever hated was just a monster that I created
Maybe if I close my eyes real tight
then the scary, sad Things
will go away and I'll quit living in yesterday
I'll just smile and laugh at all the scary, sad Things you put me through
None of the doctors could find a cure
Just a scary, sad girl in a scary, sad world
None of the shrinks could make her think
About anyone else but her
I want to go home, I want my mom to make The bad things go away
I want to forget I could ever let any
Scary, sad girl treat me that way
Feel it so strong, but she's done it so wrong
Truth comes out in dreams at night
Cause she's done it so right
All those scary, sad things; scary, sad things

why i am doing new york cares

edgar cayce:

"More individuals become so anxious about their own troubles, and yet helping others is the best way to rid yourself of your own troubles. For what is the pattern? He gave up Heaven and entered physical being that ye might have access to the Father."

chinese horoscope: "armfuls of various satisfactions"

A favorable day for love affairs, but won't be among the best ones to get married. Take care of your physical appearance. You can expect favorable conditions for your job, with interesting returns; however, you may be subject to changes of humor, which might complicate things. Prodded by an electrifying planetary ambience, you'll make great progress in more than one field. You'll harvest armfuls of various satisfactions. The present family problems will end with disappearing.

high school dream

i am back at austin prep. i am returning for a visit, but somehow have to go to class. everyone is gathered in the cafeteria and i am late somehow. they are beginning to file out, but its been years and i don't remember where my table was, who i sat with, or where my stuff is. i fight past the crowd and avoid being spotted by one of the teachers. i scour the cafeteria and finally find the jock table and remember that i sat there for a time. eric anderson is there, marc griffin, others. i find my stuff: a baseball equipment bag, identical to marc's with my name written in black marker. i dig through, but my uniform is not in the bag, and i think it must be in my locker. my old green mizuno batting gloves are in there and a small mesh bag with keys, which i think must be for my locker. the bell rings, and i run down the hall from the cafeteria to the locker room, yelling to someone that i have no idea what class i have right now. i get to the locker room and there are boys and girls in towels. i remember that the school is co-ed now, but i am still surprised that people are changing. the keys i found are numbered, and i find the locker and open it but its not my stuff. everything is written in spanish and i am confused. i look up as mr. moran appraoaches... i explain the situation and go off to roam the halls.

don't cuss

edgar cayce reading:

". . don't get mad and don't cuss a body out mentally or in voice. This brings more poisons than may be created by even taking foods that aren't good."

i am a new yorker, who cares?

i am a new yorker who cares.

had my orientation for new york cares tonight. feel so stupid its taken me this long to get off my ass and be a decent person.

more 'scopes - from karen

so karen sent me her horoscope from astro.com:

"Avoid contact with criminals and do not go into areas where you are likely to encounter street crime. Under this influence it is just possible that you might have an unfortunate encounter."

yikes!!!

so i checked out mine to see how worried she should be. based on the below, she is thoroughly fucked:

"Fortunately, with this transit you will have a strong desire to experience life on a feeling level, and this is just what you need. One very real possibility at this time is that an encounter with someone will produce the need for very searching psychological self-inquiry or will force very powerful changes in your life. This person may challenge your value structure, or there may be a powerful intermeshing of your personalities. On the material plane, this transit can be a time of great concern about finances or resources held jointly with another person, such as a spouse or business partner. By itself, this is neither a good nor a bad indication; it simply makes the issue important. You may also be worried about trying to borrow money or get financial backing from a bank."

weird scattered dream fragments

- i am with leslie and someone else, another girl. we hire a tour guide-type woman to take us through a drive-through strip club. part-amusement park ride, part-strip club, each stage has a different theme. people are gathered at most of the stages, some masturbating furiously. this is not sexy. we choose to go to a lesbian-babysitter-makeout show, but never make it before the dream ends or distorts.
- i am at a party at aimee's house. for some reason, i am sleeping in the basement. there is a weird mix of her family, old friends and ex-girlfriends, my family and work people in and around the house. it starts raining, and the floor gets wet. i am running around flirting with girls and i keep getting in trouble with my girlfriend, who keeps switching identities. people are doing mushrooms, which come in little pellet form. i get one, but don't take it. i go in to the family room at some point and everyone is watching television. i want to put leftovers in the fridge. jill tells me to use the one downstairs. i have to be in new orleans for work, but i am enjoying the party and only leave myself 3.5 hours to get there by car from boston. not only is it not enough time, i am drunk, and my mom doesn't want to me to drive anywhere.

the hearts still beating

so i'm not always a fan of the religious bent of edgar cayce's readings, but sometimes, the sentiment is dead on:

"You only fail if you quit trying. The trying is oft counted for righteousness. Remember as He has given, "I do not condemn thee." Go be patient, be kind, and the Lord be with thee!"

can't help but think of "first light / last light," by converge:

"keep breathing
keep living
keep searching
keep pushing on
keep bleeding
keep healing
keep fading
keep shining on
this is for the hearts still beating"

it falls

strike anywhere, "my design"



This is a call
to wake
the sleeping army
dreaming for
end the fear
in our hearts
for the last time

a shared vision
love's transmission through
the hollow days ahead
a hope
for where we grow
when its over
and its over

it falls
it passes right through me
it falls
and you won't be mistaking me
it falls
inside us
inside
it falls
it passes right
right through me

and we find out
what will remain

one day
I will wake up to find
you've bound my sister's feet
to find you've tied my daughter's hands
and you are walling in her mind

we throw
our hearts against the wall
we grow
the will to make it

fall

so we are living in a five hundred year old
prison in the mind in the heart where they
take your intelligence and your faith is torn
apart by culture state and power come together
and they steal all the light inside of us
everything that's real

when it falls

fall's first sunrise

"a head that aches doesn't have to stay that way, just let what's dead go."
- "everyone feels like you," owen



first day of fall. i am shedding these dead things, shaking them off, letting them fall away.

good, hard run in the breezy morning, fall's first sunrise glowing red up high over the trees of greenpoint behind me. my shadow extends in front of me and i'm chasing ghosts again, except this time i am chasing them off.

try to avoid working with other people all together

this is gonna be hard to follow these days...

"Not everyone is on the same page right now, so you could experience some confusion or tension when working in groups. Just be careful communicating with other people and focus on what you share with them, not on what you disagree about. Be clear with your words and don't use sarcasm to make your point. If possible, try to avoid working with other people altogether. You can get what you need to get done by yourself, you don't need a helping hand."

the last sunset of summer

i am taking the words coming out of my speakers as an omen, or a lesson: "we'll get it right this time." looking out my top floor window on summer's final sunset exploding over brooklyn, gulping the last summer ale in my fridge. somehow i made it out the other side again... "this summer was so huge, a crucible of afternoons." my own words ringing in my brain, but far removed like someone else sang them once.

last horoscope of summer

You'll be happy in love and will have the wild desire to depose the whole world at the feet of the beloved one; this will be reciprocal. Refrain from long business or pleasure trips; but small trips could be profitable in many respects. Beware of small accidents of all kinds; in order to diminish your nervousness, seek open air and do mild gymnastics. Success in your work and in society, but remain very modest.

can someone please explain this to me?

but talk slowly...


Sir Ben Kingsley STOMPS into the shoes of Minor Threat's Ian MacKaye from Mean Magazine on Vimeo.

dreams update

i almost forgot... i had a dream that i saw i have dreams.

recent dream highlight

- on nantucket or cape cod with mom and zach. i borrow the new dog to walk. i see three burger king fish sandwiches on the ground. i must stop. the dog runs off while i eat. my mom is angry and we scour the island for the dog to no avail. a newscaster mentions how good the sandwiches are later on the news and i feel better.
- house party with old, old friends and new enemies. a road trip begins with heather. leslie gets shotgun.
- i go back to work at credit suisse. everyone is still there. i still hate it.

new last.fm journal entry

joshua1013’s Journal – recent shows – Last.fm

"so i haven't been all that busy with shows lately, but i have seen a few gems.

caught a local brooklyn band, the fourelles at pete's candy store. they're good - remind of Bunnygrunt or Velocity Girl. pics on my flickr.

some of you might know that Portraits of Past reunited. amazing. they did a couple of shows in the bay area before hitting nyc. i was lucky enough to get tipped off to their unannounced warm-up show at the charleston, then saw them with Ampere and Dead Letter Auction the next night. one of the best shows i've ever seen.

last night, i caught this will destroy you... texas descendants of explosions in the sky. they sounded great, but SUPER loud.

hope to be catching many more bands this fall..."

hardcore sauce

from drewbacca

boo-yah 'scope

Motivated and at the same time full of charm, you'll be convinced that nothing can resist you; but you'll have to cope with competitors as capable as you are. Your family concerns may affect your professional activities; try to control and organize yourself. Your recent small successes in your career will tend to make you heady; beware of a possible backlash. Make a short travel: you'll then have great chances to meet the amorous mate of your dreams. You'll be at your top physical and mental form.

"more weight"

"more weight"
- giles corey

my chinese horoscope today: "In your work, you'll have the impression of crawling, but in actuality you're making progress. Don't kill yourself in preparing your future, think of enjoying the benefits of the present. You'll lead an active and gratifying social life. You'll brutally feel the weight of your responsibilities and become conscious of the errors you committed in the past; don't persist in mulling over your concerns; try to amuse yourself by all means. Savor the small pleasant events of everyday life for it's they which constitute happiness."

criminal or miracles

Ideas may be as thoughts, made criminal or miracles. Be sure the ideal is proper. Follow that irrespective of outside influence. Know self is right, and then go straight ahead.

- Edgar Cayce

ghostie

sparkling health except for rheumatics

Profit quickly by the love which is within your reach, without losing a single crumb of it. Sparkling health except for rheumatics. Excellent material perspectives; an important financial transaction can be carried out well; you'll also make good investments. Profit by this quiet day to rest, body and soul, and to take stock of the situations that involve you. Excellent relations of understanding and complicity with your children.

reminding me of one to the other

"Lavender," Horsefeathers

Horse Feathers - Like Lavender


The wall breaks on the phone if at all, if you call.
A hole from which to see your head,
if words are dead.

Some things always stay the same.
How you looked wet from all the rain.

Like lavender the smell of your hair,
silly errs postponing your despair.

And I'll wait, I'll wait.
Take a ticket to my own fate.
Maybe I'm too late.

And this wall breaks on the phone it at all, if you call.
A hole from which to see your head,
if words are dead.

Some things always stay the same.
How you looked wet from all the rain.
Some things always stay the same.

"The Radiator Hums," Cursive:



Dinner's getting cold --
You haven't touched a thing
So what's it gonna be?
I can hold out much longer than you
When it's steady I'm just acting out my roles
When you're ready I'll be walking out that door
And don't call me Pretty Baby anymore,
Oh, foolish worker bee --
I'm your fucking queen.

I threw out the phone to try to get through to you
The lines are down, drowned by the hum of the radiator
This house is the hole that you could never fill
With rose-blossomed bouquets, vanities and loveseats

Sad little boy, I know you get confused
But everyone goes through these trials of self-truth and self-abuse
When you're selfless you're so hard not to adore
When you're selfish, I just love you even more
I want to help you, but you've got to say the words:
"I want to be cured."

Drowned...
Deep in this hole we've dug for ourselves
Throw me in -- headfirst, submerged in this great depression
Impoverished, and Impotent....

...And Don't Call Me Pretty Baby

I threw out the phone to try to get through to you
The lines are down, drowned by the hum of the radiator
This house is the hole that you could never fill
With shattered dinner plates
That's how we'll communicate

Hey, Pretty Baby, are you ready for bed?

the taking of many cities

For the greater individual is the one who is the servant of all. And to conquer self is greater than taking many cities. For, here ye may find humbleness as against that which cries oft for expression, and the feeling of not being appreciated. Express it more in the greater amount of love upon those who may be aided through thy effort. For, remember, man looks upon the things of the day but God looks upon the heart.

- edgar cayce

i am hoisting that black flag...

my horoscope from friendster

you draw your own conclusions

Try not to start anything that you can't finish, today. Flirtatious conversations could lead someone to believe that they're at the beginning of something when in fact you're just trying to be charming, so be prudent. Making a date when you know you might not be able to keep it will only get you a flaky reputation. It's much better to ask for more time so that you can fully commit than it is to just tell someone what they want to hear and then back out.

artists

An artist is someone who produces things that people don't need to have but that he - for some reason - thinks it would be a good idea to give them.

-Andy Warhol

regret

wild sweet orange, "house of regret"

i was found on that dark hillside
with a certain painting by my side
screaming: knock down the house of regret
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel younger and younger
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel like you can't again
knock it down, pave it over
till your heart's warmer and warmer
knock it down, pave it over
till you wake up born again

what is it with emo bands and jesus?

anathallo, "declared, bannered:"
I could not look Him in the face, so I stood revarnishing the floor with my eyes. He stared into them with this love so offended and profound. He tore the center of my shirt and red ws bleeding through from underneath the white clothes that I wore. The fire of devotion was only an ember. Alarmed at this sign of decay, my legs gave out because there was no self left to stand on. Thus, my heart was grieved, vexed in my mind, still Your banner over me was love. My walls are ever before You, still Your banner over me is love. But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal. But it was your kind arms cradling me, a criminal. Oh wretched worm of a man that I am, on Thy kind arms I fall.** I'm just a man. I'm just a criminal.

**From the gravestone of William Carey, reading only, "A wretched, poor, and helpless worm, On Thy kind arms I fall&"

love this song. had no idea it was about jesus. not sure how i feel about it now, but it DOES remind of another emo classic:



mineral, "february:"
and the snow falls down melts before it even hits the ground and i'm standing here listening to the sound of your hand washing back and forth across my filthy heart and i don't know if i should say "i'm sorry" or "thank you" i try to speak but the tears choke the words and i think i finally know what they mean when they talk about joy.

woah, horoscope!

The malaises which you're suffering from at present are more psychic than physical, for your general state of health is not bad. It's your concerns and anguishes that are the cause. Look for the peace of soul, and then you'll be in a good shape like a flower early in the morning. These astral influences will accentuate the contradictions inherent in your personality. If you begin to entertain gloomy ideas, if you no longer have the desire to be active, if you take no further interest in your entourage, then you must react very swiftly, for these are the first signs of a nervous breakdown.

i am trying...

edgar cayce reading for today:

He who doubts that the best will come to him with doing of that which is correct is already defeated. Don't blame others for what has happened or may happen. Do right yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, and the best will come to you.

Edgar Cayce Reading 5203-1