today's mantra

"i need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
i need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
i need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
i need you to be the might of their first kiss
i need a purpose and i need a reason
i need to know that there is trophy and meaning
to all that we lose and all we fight for
to all our loves and our wars
keep breathing
keep living
keep searching
keep pushing on
keep bleeding
keep healing
keep fading
keep shining on
this is for the hearts still beating"
- "last light," converge

"it's time to live today... incarnation!"

no wonder things have been off.

my watch hands had moved to 10:10... had to reset to 10:13.

it's go time.

more home dreams

1. i am working for the new razorfish. except, not like in my real life, like this is a new version, but jeff and evan and karen are there. and jon. we have our offices in an airplane hangar-like structure. soon, we start hiring new employees by the boatload. it is getting really crowded, and there are lots of new faces, some of whom i wouldn't peg as real fits. we begin to develop and buildout the space, and at times it alternates between disney-like indoor villages and department store-like areas with clothing and big screen televisions. i attend a meeting near a rack of clothes, on a couch in front of a fireplace over which hangs a flat screen. a baseball game is on the television. someone's parents are there in the "office." the dream morphs into some kind of documentary about jeff and craig, but they aren't jeff and craig. craig wears goggles and an antique motorcycle or bomber jacket and scarf. the dream ends with an aerial shot of craig eluding police on his motorcycle on a mountain road, speeding towards razorfish II headquarters.
2. i am snowboarding with the bond peeps. jeff is there. he is snowboarding in a suit and holding a briefcase. he pulls some sweet backside airs and i am impressed that he can do this while holding a briefcase. josh is a bit behind us. i am trying new tricks, but landing awkwardly. at some point, the snow turns brown, and we are now sliding down some kind of slope, and we are all part of some gameshow thing, like running man. at the bottom of the slope is an obstacle course that we have to navigate while avoiding a feral cat. i slip, and the cat catches up to me and begins attacking me, digging into my arm with its claws and biting my hand. i am nervous because part of the game show is that the cat is infected with some kind of deadly disease.
3. this dream changes, and now this same disease is going to be used in some kind of terrorist plot. i am racing down the highway with my dad (i think), because we are somehow aware that the government has intercepted the terrorists before they could deliver this attack, detained them, quarantined their crude weapons, but are planning on unleashing it on the public anyway in order to blame a foreign power, much like operation northwoods or 9/11. the disease is in some missiles that are stored in huge yellow container crates. i think that's where i am racing with my dad.
4. i am playing a baseball game for the red sox against the yankees. the "field" is more like a kickball court inside a gymnasium, but it is unmistakably yakees-sox. arod and jeter are on the other side, and terry francona is my manager. we are ahead, barely, in the late innings, but the yankees begin mounting a comeback. francona yanks many regulars off the field, including j.d. drew, and begins to lead his b-squad in some kind of motivational song that sounds like it is from a broadway musical. i am embarrassed momentarily, but have been instructed to remain on the field. soon i am joined by teammates, many of them women. i think jeter hits a smash to the shortstop side of second base, i dive and make the catch, along with an african man who reach over head to also try to catch the ball. sox win.

"its the end of a fucked up year..."

"oh weak foundations
that we've laid
melt with the years
you are nothing"
- "end of a year (words are not enough)," embrace



i've wasted a year of this heart.

it dies today.

awesome graffitti

gallery graffitti

home dreams

1. i seem to be both watching and starring in a documentary about my family. i think that my parents have passed on. the movie is showing a panorama of an apartment building in greenpoint and discussing how my parents were able to finally purchase this building to leave to me and my brother. at some point i am now walking down a street near the building, but it is now east boston. i am walking behind a woman who is an amalgam of my nonnie and my granny. she is walking with a dog and a young version of me. she takes the young me to a barber shop and i follow them in. i become overwhelmingly nostalgic, desperately missing my family and my youth and i wake myself up crying.
2. i am moving into a loft apartment with heath ledger and his girlfriend. it seems like they are moving in with me, as i am showing them around. the loft is huge, but dark, the windows and ceiling covered with curtains. heath and i discuss where to move these long planks of wood and how to arrange furniture.
3. the dream morphs into some kind of action movie scene and a pulp fiction-style gunfight erupts between various men in suits and thugs. i am involved somehow, but seem impervious. i think they are shooting lasers?
4. this dream further morphs into a new apartment dream, i am living on my own, again in greenpoint. in a run-down but spacious fixer-upper with a large backyard. i am happy to have moved in, but soon realize that it is infested with these bugs that come out of the wall near the ceiling, proceed along the rafter, then rain down into the apartment and turn into metal splinters. they hurt when they strike and i am super grossed out. soon a parade of mice begin the same route, but instead of raining down, they escape through a hole into the backyard. jessica alba appears, dressed kind of like the crow - apparently she can communicate with the mice. she tells me they do not wish to stay or wish me harm, but that i need to begin fixing the apartment before they will leave. we share a moment and she leaves. now these large cartoon-like animal things start coming out. they have huge snouts, are dressed in people clothes, and jump down from the rafters and go out the front door. i think the last one wears a bowtie.
5. i can hear a new bouncing souls song called "bridge and tunnel" about the virtues of bridge and tunnel commuters. evidently the souls no longer live in new jersey.

Self-portrait Upon Chainsawing the Dead Dogwood Bush

On the Therapeutic Nature of Yard Work

somehow this used to be my favorite band

dali

so the dali show at moma is fucking awesome. i went there thinking "yeah, yeah, melting clocks blah blah." but to actually see these works up close, to see the technique, the strokes... totally changed my impression.

drunken antics following, somewhat less awesome.

onward, chelsea! onward, drunken antics!

scarily accurate horoscope

In your sentimental life, you'll be subject to a feeling of failure which will prove difficult to dispel. The current astral influxes will incite you to take necessary risks, help you to construct your future, to work relentlessly and, if necessary, to resolutely adopt difficult but beneficial changes. You'll be in as good a physical shape as possible and show exceptional powers of endurance. Homeopathy and natural products will be most beneficial to those who suffer from long-standing small health problems.

dianogah at union pool

dianogah is back touring... they played union pool last night. was awesome. two bass guitars + lots of math = lots of awesome.

bridge + tunnel

so i tried to see bridge + tunnel last night, but it was sold out by the time i got there.

i consoled myself with dumplings and hot and sour soup at excellent dumpling house...

in honor of me missing their show i present to you:

ghost is mine

until it's gone.

summertime hats

hotness

sparkly rock

for balance

keep fighting

from craplinks... but still pretty awesome

lots of dreams last night

1. i am having some kind of huge birthday soiree outside at my estate. i have invited all kinds of people, and there are people there from all different parts of my life. it is night, my estate is on a huge grassy hillside. there are lots of ex-girlfirends and potential new ones, and i feel nervous that they'll all run into each other. someone makes a comment about how many hot people are there and i get angry that my cover might be blown. i try to get some guests to come down the hill with me to have a drink - there is a desire to get really wasted for some reason. danielle is there, seated at a table, of which there are many, all down the hillside. maybe some teepees too. i try to get her to come with us, but she is sitting with friends and has just gotten back to the party. they are all in gowns. she seems dismissive, but for some reason, we hold hands momentarily before i move on with sterling and others. we walk around the front of the estate, and the only place open is an ice cream parlor and bar to the left of the estate. we go in, and the lights go out - it is about to close. the old men running the shop are ready to help us for last call, and we get weird looks from the old men patrons. the alarm sounds....
2. i am in my family's house in wakefield. aaron contacts me about a girl who wants to go on a date with me, in japan. i agree, it sounds promising, and fun - i've never been to asia. i go to the bathroom to get ready, then go to the kitchen to tell my mom. mike comes up the back stairs to hang out - i tell him the story and he is excited for me that i am trying to meet new girls, glad that i am not going back to jenna. jenna wants to get breakfast the next day and i am worried that i won't make the trip back in time. this adds a ton of stress, because i know there will be trouble. i think my dad takes me to the airport. for some reason my flight goes through china first, and the next thing i know, i am at the airport in china. i have a ticket, but my flight to japan is almost about to take off - somehow i have almost missed it. i approach the gate agent, and she summons the pilot, who allows me to board despite the fact that i haven't been searched by security. he instructs me to sit by one of the wings, as that will be the best place for me to be in case i do blow something up. i am led down a corridor towards the plane by a group of japanese who are speaking english. i think to take some pictures, but then decide the shops and restaurants are too boring. i board the plane, which looks like a huge asian restaurant, with tiered seating. i am a bit confused - the pilot passes and he once again instructs me where to sit, but i can't find the wings. in the front are bleacher seats - i approach, looking for an asian woman who i realize is my guide. as i get closer i see karen on the plane, and sitting next to her is melissa. i speak to both of them briefly before my guide shows me where to go. as i approach the section of seats where i belong, a young couple and their mother try to jostle me for the seat i want. i sit anyway, and we look out onto the water by the wing. the plane arrives in japan 7 hours later, i have a voicemail from my blind date, but i don't know where to meet her. i am really nervous about what to tell jenna. at some point, i leave the plane while it taxis to use the bathroom and get lost in a labyrinth of airport hallways. some attendants show me a memorial to a man who dies doing the same thing - he got lost for 7 hours and died.
3. i am at a bakyard bbq at gillis' barn. matt is not there but gerry is. it is crowded with people from all eras of my life. people from wakefield high school, townies, are being wise asses and cracking jokes and starting fights. i explore the house a bit and think about moving in - i have suspicions that it is haunted. danielle is there, and is again dismissive to me, so i go out front. there is a billboard for a hipster party in the city painted onto the front of gillis' barn. there is a group of bmx bikers using the front porch as a jump. jared is there doing sweet jumps. i have a bike suddenly and take a cruise around the jump, but decide to not go over it, afraid for my ankle.
4. something science fiction about blackbirds and whitemonkeys.
5. my mom tells me she hates my black jeans.

Signs

Joshua's long day...

Rough Magic

Looks like my wrist.

Ball Girl Makes Incredible Catch�Video

crazy catch...

Ball Girl Makes Incredible Catch - Watch more free videos

Lifetime 28 Nov 2007 at Disk Union Shibuya

live acoustic lifetime show in japan

thanks brian!

"i guess i've learned the taste of days that will always burn"

"it's hard to find your way through the darkness,
it's hard to know what to believe.
but if you live by your heart and value the love that you find,
then you'll have all you need...

i get knocked down and then i get back up...
i'll speak my mind you can't cover it up...
i'm picking up the pieces as they break and fall...
i'll take on every day standing up, standing tall.

live your heart and never follow."
- "it's hard to know," hot water music

full-fledged summer is here...

Fire Island Sunset

Kismet.

Beach Dreams

I'm at the tenda trap house in kismet. Leslie, kay, Ming, yumiko, Seth and possibly others are there. I fall asleep early while everyone else hangs out. In the morning I wake up to the aftermath of crazy partyings. There is incriminating evidence that Seth has hooked up with kay. Everyone is happy for young Seth. According to kay, the sesh was quite innocent, Seth having only taken off his shirt.

best smelling bread bakery

manhattan ave. gpoint.

greenpoint phoenix

awesome horoscope

You may probably be approached by missionaries of some religious sect. Beware of the danger! The tragic events that have occurred these last years in this field should incite you to extreme caution. Your creativity will reach its peak. Even though your work is not an artistic one, you'll distinguish yourself by your imagination and inventive mind. These two qualities will prove very useful to you this time, whatever your professional activity. Your small health troubles will tend to preoccupy you overly for you'll give them too much importance.

"i can't think of anymore dialog today"

"i swallowed a bug"



marlon brando improv outtakes from hearts of darkness...

"get the lobstahs..."

new lobster dunks...

indian summer, "angry son"

"is this the, the first time i've seen the size of these walls... now i'm the angry son, everything i've learned was wrong. i'm the burning door, once I'm opened I can't be closed. i found a hidden wheel, and it rolls to reveal that i'm the angry son."
- "hidden wheel," rites of spring

(kind of) sad dreams

i am with ming somwhere in bushwick under the subway. we are going out somewhere but decide to bail. sterling is late to meet us, but i get a text message after we leave that he is on the way and that he is late because he had to have a conversation with heather...

i am on a bus, getting off. jenna is there as i get off and i am trying to get her attention as i wave goodbye. there is pervasive sadness. i walk away with others down a highway ramp, and a car speeds at us the wrong way. we make it safely down into williamsburg, circa 1998.

"is there a ghost," band of horses

so crazy that julia is in this video...

work dream

i go away with james, jon and tim from work. we are visiting someone at college, maybe james. it is snowing and everyone is mad that i am drinking because i have to drive later. they ditch me in a dorm building and i can't find them... i am jealous that they get to party and i am stuck outside trying to call them. something about a girl too, a pretty one.

The Foggy Monocle

this blog is kind of genius... like a self-submitted overheard in new york, but only for the hungover yammerings of those who blacked out and are trying to piece together a mysterious evening:

The Foggy Monocle

example post:

TheInvestigator: hey dude, how was your weekend?

DrinkHound: got black out wasted on saturday and took a shit at the bar

DrinkHound: the usual

TheInvestigator: good move

DrinkHound: i was drinking greyhounds

TheInvestigator:: what’s a greyhound?

DrinkHound: oh they’re delicious

DrinkHound: vodka, grapefruit juice and lime

DrinkHound: the grapefruit juice is so citrusy that it cuts the vodka perfectly

DrinkHound: you can get away with drinking cheap vodka and be non the wiser

TheInvestigator: wow i might make one right now

DrinkHound: it is monday morning after all

DrinkHound: anyway, i’m sitting at the bar — drunk but behaving — and low and behold i feel this rumbling in my tummy

DrinkHound: apparently all the brisket and margaritas I had enjoyed for dinner

DrinkHound: were sloshing around in there like it was a cement mixer

TheInvestigator:: ohhhh, not good

TheInvestigator: did you abort?

DrinkHound: nope

DrinkHound: i grabbed my drink, got up and hit the single stall bathroom

DrinkHound: which was next to the bar

DrinkHound: no way to hide

DrinkHound: but i wasnt ashamed

TheInvestigator: you’re only a man, no more no less

DrinkHound: so i simultaneously took a shit, lounged and sipped my greyhound

TheInvestigator: I wish you could see me right now, I am beaming

DrinkHound: then i opened the door after a good ten minutes and this line had formed

DrinkHound: i was so startled i tripped on the way out

TheInvestigator: hahahha

TheInvestigator: tripped right into the bar, no doubt, for another greyhound

DrinkHound: oh many more!

DrinkHound: which inevitably lead to me being unable to get my keys into my door and being forced to call my roommate

DrinkHound: (who was at another bar)

DrinkHound: to help me back into the apt

TheInvestigator: that’s when you know you’re fucked up

TheInvestigator: when those confounding keys won’t go in the hole

DrinkHound: this was all, of course, relayed to me the next morning when i woke up still in my clothes, on the couch with a half eaten grilled cheese and fries sitting on my stomach

TheInvestigator: hahaha

TheInvestigator: dude, it’s supposed to go in the stomach, not on. FAIL

After The Jump Fest - June 21, 2008

seems like an awesome show if you're in town that weekend...

my chinese zodiac horoscope rules today

and i quote: "In love as well in work, you'll buckle down to the task, and you'll prove quite expeditious. This will allow you to live passionate love affairs on one side, and on the other side to achieve your objectives. If you're an aging individual, it'd be better for you not to drive a car today. As for other natives, they should avoid drinking alcohol, even in a small quantity. You'll have difficulty resisting amorous vagrancy; this won't be of consequence if you're a confirmed bachelor, but may be troublesome if you already have a ring on your finger."

YouTube - Henry Miller on NYC

pretty incredible

campaign

only the deepest bullets
from the bull pulpit
strafe the stiff wind.
flags aghast, all
flying half-mast.

countdown

slow delivery of death, tip of the match struck
against a boot heel half a world
away from us. slow mechanism
of desire turns over inside,
an old car on a cold morning,
late for work. slow machinery
of anxiety, constant, workmanlike,
never stops grinding my teeth
into smooth stones like the ocean
pounding. slow to wake to the call
of my life, slow to answer your challenge,
slow to respond to the four alarm
blaze. slow death, slow delivery of death
on the airport tarmac, on the concrete
backyard, in the shopping mall,
in the high school cafeteria, death
in the locker room, death in the photo booth,
death in the lockstep formation
of our hearts beating this colossal countdown.

warmth wanes

the summer fades,

warmth wanes from the days.

morning chill of impending change.

this summer was so huge,

a crucible of afternoons,

and i have finally taken shape,

fashioned in mine own image.

the full doomed moon

keep your heart locked up
in the tabernacle,
but the church doors
are wide open all night.
i am sitting again
in the last pew,
saying a prayer
to that full, doomed moon
we saw when we went home:
"please let this cup pass from me."
the sacristy ghosts
haunting the chapel
hurl epithets
at my black silhouette
prostrate on the cold, wooden kneeler,
alone in the knave,
putting my faith
in a locked door.

cold pints

that walk through the druid
tenements beyond the brewery gates
takes us back centuries on the horse
and buggy barreling at us

driven by an old drunk. heart of dublin,
anachronistic pacemaker, my father,
my younger brother and i

walk the long, old miles in silence
and climb through the brewery museum
to the cold pints.

up south fifth street

that grey morning sky
when the sun was bloodshot
behind a hospital sheet
of clouds over the top
of the williamsburg bridge,

dragging my bike down
the stairs and out to sea,
i paddle up stream
up south fifth street.
i feel you stir in bed

one block away,
your blankets toss aside
and wings unfurl inside
the birdcage of my ribs.
i am flying now

out from under the summer's
humid weight, cutting
a swath through cars and trucks
falling in and out of love,
making a b-line back to life.

dreamcatcher

so i am going to try an experiment - i'm going to start tracking my dreams here for your reading pleasure.

i'll never be able to match the wit or the style of karen's dream blog, but i've been having such weird ones lately that i have to give it a go.

some excerpted highlights:

• i am in the middle of a vh1 behind the music on an evil, satanic 1970s rock band called "debaser." their sound is like rollins-era black flag mixed with "reign in blood"-era slayer (i know, AWESOME, right?) their singer is legitimately evil - like that guy from the 80s movie that sells his soul to become a metal star. and debaser has a blood feud with kiss that is later settled at an outdoor concert. somehow, the singer of debaser is arrested and incarcerated in some kind of public square - chained up. he is threatening to escape. the dream shifts a bit and i find myself in my underground headquarters, an aging iron man (like dark knight, but in the wrong comic). i know that i am the only one who can stop debaser, but i am a little bit scared because he is such a badass. i vanquish him with a number of flying maneuvers and save the day.
• i am in my room, in bed. the door to the rest of the apartment and my closet door are closed, but there is a ghost on the other side of each. i challenge the ghost several times to come and face me. finally it bursts through the doorway from the outer apartment, and i squeal back to bed. the ghost kind of looks like a mexican dude.
• i am in an island encampment with some peeps, chilling. some protesters approach the camp and soon we are overrun as the protesters are backed militarily by some kind of sinister group. (hello, "LOST.") there is something about me hiding a baby from them and leading a revolt.
• i win a contest to be on some mtv reality game show. this particular show seems to involve going to an underwater brothel. i am paired up with my escort, a latina (super hot, a little chunkier), and she gives me a tour and tells me the ground rules. i keep freaking out because i want to go back to my dorm room to get my watch. i see some underwater glory holes and other weird stuff...

summer of josh: flag day

perfect timing. hoisted that black flag finally.

honored my family, ready to head back, plan this summer, get back to the front, join the fray.

poem fragment

the ones that got away
the lives i've let slip away
there is no life now
but the one.